Red bull on a stick
by mercyn
Summary: CRACK. One shot. "Soul Society always thought that if they were going to be destroyed it would be by Aizen, the Bounts, the rogue zanpakutos, *SPOILER ALERT* the Quincies, or some kind of strong, evil mastermind organization. What they didn't expect was it would all fall because of one little girl."


**So i got this idea at a baseball game when one those cotton candy selling guys were saying "get your red bull on a stick here" and BAM I this story hit me. Total randomness that I need to vent once in a while. Bear with me. Read and enjoy :) **

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Soul Society always thought that if they were going to be destroyed it would be by Aizen, the Bounts, the rogue zanpakutos, (*SPOILER ALERT*) the Quincies, or some kind of strong, evil mastermind organization. What they didn't expect was it would all fall because of one little girl.

"Oh my friking god, what the hell happen here?" Ichigo said awestruck.

He had been called here because of an emergency, only he didn't realize it was this bad. The Sixth was a walk in pink garden, Byakuya himself was in a sakura flower hula skirt dancing in a sake pool. That frankly scares Ichigo. Instead of the tenth division there was a temple completely made out of ice featuring dragons everywhere. Toshiro was sitting on a giant dragon head on top of the temple and his subordinates were worshiping him at his feet bringing him offerings and stuff. Yup, Hitsugaya has definitely lost it. There was a giant black cat breathing black fire over the second division towards an equally giant Chappy Bunny, whom retaliated by barfing out a ray of rainbow cero from its mouth. Soi-fon was maniacally laughing, standing on its nose, encouraging it on. Ichigo didn't need to guess, he _knows _that's Rukia up there dangling from Chappy's ear. The first division members were doing nothing to stop the chaos except to sit back on recliner chairs, eating popcorn and enjoy the show. Disbelief on his face, mouth still gaping, Ichigo wondered who could cause this mass destruction. Then the answer hit him, literally, the eleventh division lieutenant barreled into him with a force of a bullet train succeeding in sending him crashing into a nearby wall.

"ohmygoshIchi! DoyouknowwhereKennyis? Ineedhimtokillpeople, killpeopleandgivemeclouds, Iwantmoresugarclouds, sugarclouds, sugarclouds, sugarclouds, _sugarclouds!_ SUGARCLOUDS!" she said in less than three seconds.

The thing then whooshed off. Ichigo stared after her, the only thing he understand through the rambling was:  
1. the one caused this is probably Yachiru Kusajishi.  
2. Sugar Cloud was probably the cause of the cause of this destruction. And the only sugar cloud like thing he knows was cotton candy…..  
3. Kenpachi was AWOL and therefore could not tame this monster.

Determined to fix this, he set out to find answers. Looking through the rubble and the smoke he could make out some shadows huddling by a fallen building that used to be Byakuya's mansion. Approaching it he yelled out, "Could you guys explain what the hell is going on?"

"Oh Ichigo! You're finally here. We thought we were going to die, everybody else had fallen we're the only survivors," a voiced called out gratefully. Who, coincidentally happened to be the first to warned Sereitei of the danger. The shadows were Renji, Ikkaku, Yumichika and Iba.

"You didn't answer my question," Ichigo said.

Ikkaku shifted uncomfortably a bit scratching his bald head, "well you see Yachiru wanted to eat this pink candy because it looks like her hair. After that we don't really know what happen, one moment there was a cart full of the thing and the next it's all gone and Yachiru is bouncing around annoying and destroying everything. And it all went downhill from there"

Renji took up the story next, "Taicho was the first to break, you know under the pressure and the endless chatter Yachiru put him through, he went berserk, releasing Senbonzakura, as you saw as you pass the whole division is filled with sharp petals. And now Taicho is in the state he's in. After seeing that Rukia was traumatize, went insane and hold the twelve hostages until they build her the robot Chappy thing. That bunny is responsible for about 30% of the damage. To combat the thing second division was called and Soi-fon Taicho requested a natural, humongous version of her beloved Yoruichi-sama that spits fire and claws the size of Senzaikyu. She was obviously denied, then Yachiru got into the mess and corrupted Soi-fon's reasoning to the point where she went bankai on the twelve's asses and collaborated with Nemu to build that abomination. Their battle decimated the western side of Sereitei." Renji shivered as he finished his part.

Yumichika went after, "So naturally with all the destruction, there was casualties, the fourth was so over flowing that they had to ask Mayuri for help. Because of that Unohana-taicho snapped, and then proceed to breaking the bones off of all her patients with a motherly smile on her face. She would have looked beautiful too, if not for the fact that she was drenched in blood and was surrounded by the screams of the people trying to get away."

"Mayuri, however, was ecstatic, more people means more experiments, so now the freak is in his lab churning out grotesque creations that causes even _more_ trouble." Iba frowned, "Histugaya-taicho went off the edge too, since Yachiru's second target after Kuchiki-taicho was him. It took fifteen minutes, _fifteen_, for the guy to suddenly think he's a dragon god reincarnated and that his fukutaicho was the boobie goddess and that everybody should obey his command. Now the tenth barracks is the soul society version of Jerusalem. The soutaicho and his lieutenant won't even get off their lazy butts to stop this. I personally think they just don't care anymore. Letting crazies do whatever crazies want. That's about it for the psychos, the rest of the still sane shinigamis are either barricading themselves in their division, escaped far away from here or ran off to the living world and freeloading off of Urahara. As far as I know us four and you are the only ones left on these streets." Iba finished the story as he pushed up his sunglasses.

"Where's Kenpachi then?" Ichigo asked after the crazy explanation.

They all just shrugged. "We don't know. Captain was on a mission before this incident, though he is supposed to be back by now." Ikkaku answered.

Ichigo face palmed, with Kenpachi's direction skills Sereitei would be demolished long before he arrived. Instead Ichigo focus on two details: the 'Sugar Cloud' and the 'pink candy'.

"Who? Who was the idiot that introduced her to cotton candy? I know it was one of you guys."

"It was him!" they all shouted each pointing to the other.

"No, it was you!" they said again at the same.

"You noticed the beautiful thing first," Yumichika accused Iba.

"You suggested buying some," Iba said to Renji.

"You actually _went _to go buy them!" Renji blamed Yumichika.

"Will you guys be quiet. It's all you guys fault!" Ikkaku said.

"Shut up! You were the one that brought the pink demon with you!" the other three shouted.

"Enough! It doesn't matter who fault it was what matters is why the hell would you guys do that? Cotton candy is like kid friendly caffeine. It's practically Red Bull on a stick!"

"Hey, hey, Ichi. What's Red Bull?" a horrifying familiar voice asked an equally terrifying question.

Everybody gasp and turned around but it was too late, little Yachiruzilla was already gone to find this 'Red Bull'. The same thought flashed through all the guy's mind.

_Oh shit._

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Over three or more boxes of Red Bull and Monster (one drink led to another) Yachiru was a pink blur of destruction, resembling a Tasmanian devil more than Shinigami. Soul Society thought it couldn't get worse.

They were wrong.

This day would go down in history as the 'Worst Event in SS History'. Shinigamis would forever look at Yachiru differently. Very differently. About two thirds of the Gotei quit after the accident, they returned to the rukongai and with them followed the story. Like any story told from mouth to mouth it got changed, exaggerated, details left out and other stuff that twist the truth, now it's something house wives use to threatened their kids, a story akin to the boogieman. They said that if you misbehave a small pink demon would come eat your ears off, burn your eyes out with her aura and then drag your body to her cave so your dead scent can ferment her piles of candy she makes from your intestines. However the moral of this story stayed the same: don't feed an ADHD tornado of a girl red bull on a stick.

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**Thanks for reading, first time writing crack fic, i still don't really know what makes a crack fic a crack fic but hoped you enjoy. Senzaikyu is that white tower Rukia was trapped in during the Soul Society rescue arc by the way. :D**

**MERCYN  
**


End file.
